i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
