i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
