If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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