Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i think i have two assholes
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
