i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my sisters under your porch take her home
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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