I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
