thus making me awesome and them whores
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
