Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
