Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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