This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
