he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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