So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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