Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
