Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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