Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
