remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I would ride that face into the sunset
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
