Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
