I met the friendliest cop last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
