so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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