never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
