I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
