Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I puked a lego.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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