1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
