Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
