i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
