Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
