Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
