If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
