i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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