I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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