I'm going to jail i love you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
