I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
