i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
