he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
