i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
