I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
