That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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