But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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