so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
