I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
