I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
