I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
