Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
