So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i drank out of a bidet.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
