I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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