She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
