please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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