I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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