i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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