I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
