i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
