youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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