so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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